A fight to be accepted as who I am – a girl

It wasn’t long ago when I was safe inside of what every youth calls his/her second home – my school. I wish I could say it was yesterday. Sadly, it was long before that.  When I now look back at the memories of school, one of it which has sticked with me is that I had to deal with a lot of name calling – one related to my physical features.  Yes, it began long back in school.  At that point I never realized that all of it was somewhere leaving a deep impact on me. I accepted it in the name of friendship, for the sake of friends. I don’t have any of those friends with me today, but those impressions which  those episodes left on me fail to leave my side.

Yes, I never wore mini skirts to school. Yes I never touched an eye liner all my school life. Never felt like. Yes, I wore and still wear specks 24*7. Yes, I purchased my first one piece dress during my fresher party in college. Out of my own will, I owned none before it.  Yes, I have no idea about the best brands of lipstick, nail paint and so on. All I use is Kajal. Yes, I prefer to buy clothes from the nearby market than step inside Forever 21 or such stores. I still regret the first (that was the last too) time I stepped inside Forever 21 because the amount I spent on one outfit, I could afford four in the same had it been my ‘pados ki market vali dukan’. Yes, you won’t find a single backless dress in my wardrobe. All you’ll find are lots and lots of Kurtis. Yes, I still prefer a T-shirt and pyjamas than a T-shirt over shorts.  I’m not against short clothes, I don’t judge the people who wear them because it’s all our choice, and I choose not to. Lastly, something most of you reading this will judge me for, I have two failed relationships behind me because I didn’t fit into their definition of a girl.

Does all this make me any less of a girl? Marjority of you might say no but I’ll say yes, because that’s what I have been made to feel over the years. In school it used to be direct name calling. Later, it took a worst shape. Nobody now says anything to me on my face but trust me, I know what you say about me the moment I turn around. That is what hurts the most. College crushed the last bit of self confidence I had inside me. For there I realised that I will be judged on every step of my path. Judged, not for being who I am but for not being who I can’t be – a girly girl. Lessons from college life demand another post, they are that many.

To you out there,

You aren’t there to pacify me when I see strands of broken hair stuck in my comb and feel sad about it. My mom is there.  You weren’t there to hug me tight when the doc asked me to get tested for Cancer and other such diseases. My parents were there. You aren’t there to calm me down when baldness scares the shit out of me. My parents do that. You don’t stand proudly with me  when I’m looking my shabbiest best. My father does that. He stands tall with me, proudly, irrespective of anything. You don’t care to cheer me up when I’m sitting alone in a room. My sister does that. You don’t accept me for being me without any demands. My family does that.  

What do you do? You tell me to change if I want to stand amongst you. You teach me to lock the real me inside and fight this world, daily. You judge me, daily. All I’m fighting for is to prove to myself that I have within me the strength to carry on, just like I have been doing. Sometimes, that is all you have as an option. 

शीशे में देखती हूँ तो दिखता है कि मैं जो हूँ वो हूँ,

फिर कैसे तुम्हारी आखों के शीशों में मैं कुछ नहीं?

 

Advertisements

Swinging through life

Do we remember how one day back in time we were shown a road and were told to walk on it. Before we could begin our journey, we were told to look straight so that we could see the shining light at the end of the road. That light, we were told it is called success and that is where we had to reach, all of us had to reach. As the child we were, we accepted it and began walking.

It seemed like one of the swings. Initially, we had the confidence that just like always we will be held if we fall down. One day, the swing began to tremble, we began to lose balance. That was the first day we looked back and realised we had come so far that nobody could help us now. We learnt we had to help ourselves. We gathered a little confidence and tried to maintain balance. Later, when we were no more a child and it was no more a swing, the road started shaking again. We looked around and realised that it wasn’t shaking for everybody. Some were walking easily. We realised, in childhood we were never told that we could choose the swing we wanted to ride on. That day, it dawned upon us that we did want to ride but not this swing. That shining light, it no more appeared attractive. The shine coming from it started to burn our eyes. It wasn’t what we wanted. That day, was our biggest test. Some of us majorly failed in it because we could no more gather the courage to get up one more time and start walking again. We chose to rather fall off the swing. And others, they died within yet lived for the world because they accepted that this is how is how it is. This is how it was meant to be. They slogged all through their life.

Today, nobody from these two categories of people is worshipped. The world bows before those who were told they could choose the swing they wanted to ride on. They are the only ones who made it.

School of Love

From the time, the age, the moment she could read and understand fairy tales, she dreamt to be a part of one in real life. Yes, she was too young at that age to feel love in its true sense but later in life, she wanted to have her special someone and mean that much to him. You can blame fairy tales for making her believe one day she will meet her Prince. She never knew when this would happen but ‘someday’ was the drug of her choice. She lived on ‘someday’.  She had her ambitions and her goals to achieve but love always held a major part in her life. ALWAYS. You can be as successful as you want but you need to come back home to someone who loves you, someone whom you can celebrate the success with. That was her perception. Cut to today, two relationships and several puppy-love crushes old, she has learnt, A LOT. She has learnt that for some people ‘forever’ is just a term and it doesn’t happen just once. She has learnt what SRK does on screen happens on screen. Real life is different. She has learnt that everything in this world has to end, everything. From being the one who was searching for constant approval from others, she has learnt to be the one who is happy being who she is. Ok, atleast trying to do that. She has learnt to wear her heart on her sleeve. She has learnt to be proud of her scars and not feel belittled because of them. She could be proud of what she was, how she was and feel blessed rather than gulity about it. She has learnt that she doesn’t need someone to complete the definition of herself. She only needs someone to accept her completely.  She has learnt that she doesn’t need to be objectified in a relationship if that makes her feel disrespected. Several lessons old, she still feels one can never graduate from the school of love. This is a place where you always learn. She is still learning. She is still hoping that those fairy tales she read long back were not just meant to read.

Hope, is a strong drug and she a loyal addict.  ❤