The night I questioned

It was dark, both inside and outside. Outside lay the horror of the night. Inside, within me were hiding my demons.

“Why don’t you just go to sleep?” asked mom at 4am in the morning. I couldn’t dare enough to tell the most beautiful angel in my life that I was fighting my demons. I blamed it on insomnia. Hearing my reply, mom went away, a little frustrated. I broke down the moment she left.

Why is it so difficult for someone to see that I have been doing so much for them. Why do they fail to reciprocate? Why am I expected to change and not accepted for being who I am? Why someone’s absence or presence in my life depends on me a little more in shape, a lot more sexier, a lot more beautiful, little less talkative, little more as per societal norms. Ever cared to judge my heart before my body? I doubt. Why today a beautiful face has all the acceptance and a beautiful heart struggles for the same? Why do we want people to stay even when it’s so difficult for us to constantly remind them that they matter? Why do we want somebody to believe on what we never speak or express?

There they were. My heart was shouting these questions loudly. Loud enough to leave my world shaken yet mute enough to be heard by anybody.  Why do my questions not deserve an answer? Was anybody even interested in hearing? Why do my questions not deserve an answer? 

Today, it’s a game of tactics. You make people want to love you by not loving them too much. You make people want to know you by not telling them too much. You make people want to care for you by not caring for them too much. You make people realise that you exist by totally over shadowing their existence. To rise in your own eyes, you make people fall on the ground. To be a somebody, you make people a nobody. That’s a wicked game all of us knowingly or unknowingly play.

May be at the end of this game, the day I will see the bright shining light, I’ll figure my answers.

कल तक मेरे हर सवाल का जवाब तू था,

आज हर जवाब पर सवाल तू है।

 

 

A fight to be accepted as who I am – a girl

It wasn’t long ago when I was safe inside of what every youth calls his/her second home – my school. I wish I could say it was yesterday. Sadly, it was long before that.  When I now look back at the memories of school, one of it which has sticked with me is that I had to deal with a lot of name calling – one related to my physical features.  Yes, it began long back in school.  At that point I never realized that all of it was somewhere leaving a deep impact on me. I accepted it in the name of friendship, for the sake of friends. I don’t have any of those friends with me today, but those impressions which  those episodes left on me fail to leave my side.

Yes, I never wore mini skirts to school. Yes I never touched an eye liner all my school life. Never felt like. Yes, I wore and still wear specks 24*7. Yes, I purchased my first one piece dress during my fresher party in college. Out of my own will, I owned none before it.  Yes, I have no idea about the best brands of lipstick, nail paint and so on. All I use is Kajal. Yes, I prefer to buy clothes from the nearby market than step inside Forever 21 or such stores. I still regret the first (that was the last too) time I stepped inside Forever 21 because the amount I spent on one outfit, I could afford four in the same had it been my ‘pados ki market vali dukan’. Yes, you won’t find a single backless dress in my wardrobe. All you’ll find are lots and lots of Kurtis. Yes, I still prefer a T-shirt and pyjamas than a T-shirt over shorts.  I’m not against short clothes, I don’t judge the people who wear them because it’s all our choice, and I choose not to. Lastly, something most of you reading this will judge me for, I have two failed relationships behind me because I didn’t fit into their definition of a girl.

Does all this make me any less of a girl? Marjority of you might say no but I’ll say yes, because that’s what I have been made to feel over the years. In school it used to be direct name calling. Later, it took a worst shape. Nobody now says anything to me on my face but trust me, I know what you say about me the moment I turn around. That is what hurts the most. College crushed the last bit of self confidence I had inside me. For there I realised that I will be judged on every step of my path. Judged, not for being who I am but for not being who I can’t be – a girly girl. Lessons from college life demand another post, they are that many.

To you out there,

You aren’t there to pacify me when I see strands of broken hair stuck in my comb and feel sad about it. My mom is there.  You weren’t there to hug me tight when the doc asked me to get tested for Cancer and other such diseases. My parents were there. You aren’t there to calm me down when baldness scares the shit out of me. My parents do that. You don’t stand proudly with me  when I’m looking my shabbiest best. My father does that. He stands tall with me, proudly, irrespective of anything. You don’t care to cheer me up when I’m sitting alone in a room. My sister does that. You don’t accept me for being me without any demands. My family does that.  

What do you do? You tell me to change if I want to stand amongst you. You teach me to lock the real me inside and fight this world, daily. You judge me, daily. All I’m fighting for is to prove to myself that I have within me the strength to carry on, just like I have been doing. Sometimes, that is all you have as an option. 

शीशे में देखती हूँ तो दिखता है कि मैं जो हूँ वो हूँ,

फिर कैसे तुम्हारी आखों के शीशों में मैं कुछ नहीं?

 

School of Love

From the time, the age, the moment she could read and understand fairy tales, she dreamt to be a part of one in real life. Yes, she was too young at that age to feel love in its true sense but later in life, she wanted to have her special someone and mean that much to him. You can blame fairy tales for making her believe one day she will meet her Prince. She never knew when this would happen but ‘someday’ was the drug of her choice. She lived on ‘someday’.  She had her ambitions and her goals to achieve but love always held a major part in her life. ALWAYS. You can be as successful as you want but you need to come back home to someone who loves you, someone whom you can celebrate the success with. That was her perception. Cut to today, two relationships and several puppy-love crushes old, she has learnt, A LOT. She has learnt that for some people ‘forever’ is just a term and it doesn’t happen just once. She has learnt what SRK does on screen happens on screen. Real life is different. She has learnt that everything in this world has to end, everything. From being the one who was searching for constant approval from others, she has learnt to be the one who is happy being who she is. Ok, atleast trying to do that. She has learnt to wear her heart on her sleeve. She has learnt to be proud of her scars and not feel belittled because of them. She could be proud of what she was, how she was and feel blessed rather than gulity about it. She has learnt that she doesn’t need someone to complete the definition of herself. She only needs someone to accept her completely.  She has learnt that she doesn’t need to be objectified in a relationship if that makes her feel disrespected. Several lessons old, she still feels one can never graduate from the school of love. This is a place where you always learn. She is still learning. She is still hoping that those fairy tales she read long back were not just meant to read.

Hope, is a strong drug and she a loyal addict.  ❤

The deadline that died

There is something about the name ‘deadline’. You cross it and and there you are, dead, quite literally. Such people are left upon the mercy of their parents, teachers, office boss etc to feel alive once again. Then, there is something about those people who cross these lines again and again and it looks as if not meeting deadlines is their favorite hobby. They are so habitual of not meeting them that for them deadlines lose their meaning. Stuck between these two categories, have you ever wondered what a poor deadline feels?

Once upon a time there was a deadline. She was tired of not getting to meet people. She thought not many considered her worth meeting. She was tired of the fact that the human race stepped on her again and again and moved forward everytime without considering the pain she felt.

Standing there with open arms on the crossroad of life, she decided to die. She died. Little did the poor soul know that a human who had never met deadlines would get to write her obituary. The obituary read ” Yesterday, our not so loved deadline left for her journey to hell. On this auspicious occasion a party is being organised at Hotel Heaven at 9:00 a.m. Everyone is requested to visit and have a good time.

Somewhere in heaven, deadline wondered, “will the party begin on time? I doubt.”

The tension of opposites

Sometimes, not taking a decision seems the easier choice. Sometimes… You want someone, you want something, yet you don’t.

Public speaking owned as big a place in his heart as her. He loved public speaking even before the time he loved her. As is said, you need to stay in touch with the podium, develop with it as friendly a bond as possible. It’s tough to gain your confidence back after you give up on public speaking once but wish to start again. He wished the same.

Long back he gave up on the two love of his life, public speaking and her. He wished to have both of them back. A chance knocked his door. A poster about a public speaking event was sent to him by his friend. He wanted to take this opportunity and prove to himself that he still can speak as good as compared to his school days. Preparations began, not for winning the prize but for winning his confidence back. He was about to face an audience after years. His friend was giving him full moral support.

He didn’t have the least of this idea that she would be there at the event too. When he got to know of her presence at the event, he felt a lump inside his heart. Could he face both these things together? He was smiling to his ears at the thought of getting to see her but at the same time something inside him told him he didn’t have the courage to face her. Already, the public speaking preparation was demanding a lot of courage. He didn’t have more.

Stuck somewhere in the tension of opposites… He thought, should I take part? Shouldn’t I take part? He asked himself, “Will I be able to face the audience? ” Yes, came the reply.

He asked again, “will I be able to face her?”… With it began the battle of opposites between his heart which longed to see her and his brain which told him he’ll not be able to.

May be… Sometimes, you can gather enough courage to face a thousand eyes confidently yet fall short of courage to face those two eyes.

The bumpy road

Wouldn’t life be much easier if at every turn on the life’s road we have this board stating “caution : rough road ahead” to warn us against all the twists and turns  life holds in store for us. Sadly, we don’t have the privilege of this board and thus with all our might we travel through the bumpy road…

School life was good. She was always in teacher’s good books, always the one who got duties to do, a champ at public speaking. She had some people around her whom she called friends. Unaware of what was ahead, they spent their days happily. The road wasn’t bumpy for her back then may be because school was a time when all of them were under a protective cover, away from the atrocities one faces in the big bad world.

All good things come to an end. So did school. At that point of time she was looking forward to what everyone described as “the rocking college life.”. Yeah!  She breathed a sigh of relief. Done with school. Finally a graduation student.

The day came. The journey began and so began experiences of a lifetime. Nobody had warned her to no more be the child at heart as she was in school. Nobody told her she will judged for everything she does as well as for everything she doesn’t. Nobody told her there will be times when she will have to stand all by herself. Time was to tell all this to her.

Time is the best teacher but may be she wasn’t a good student. Time began it’s lessons. She always failed the exam because she could never understand what was going around her, what was happening to the people around. Till the time she could understand and react, it was all done.

What began as a journey with the promise of togetherness with some unknown people had started to turn bitter. She realised that yesterday who was laughing with her was now laughing on her. Bitter walls of judgement had been built. May be that is how it is. Who knows? This question paper wasn’t easy as those in schools.

Now she is half way done with that “rocking college life” and completely done with some people 😛 Yes, college is rocking. Rocking enough to turn you and your life upside down. 😛

May be years later she will miss these bitching sessions, these lectures,  these arguments, these friends, these frenemies, these ego clashes and the list goes on. May be years later she will thank all these days and all these people for shaping her into someone solid enough to face the big bad world.

For now…  She has learnt to enjoy the bumpy ride and let it go because that’s the only option she has.

 

The accidental friend

You never really know that when you will meet someone and they will start adding value to your life.

An unexpected beginning. A friend of a friend. That’s how Pari and Medhavi met. Soon the common friend vanished from the equation and it was both of them from there on. At times, when you need people and you count on the ones close to you, they leave but only to make way for better people.

A rough patch in Pari’s life was when they started talking. Pari wasn’t her real name. Medhavi was the only one who called her Pari and the it truly gave Pari an angelic feeling. Pari was better than Paro anyday. 😉

Medhavi had everything Pari would wish for in a friend. The best part which made Pari respect her was the fact that Medhavi didn’t just say that I’m there. She meant it. She proved it. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Never during those days could Pari understand what was happening with her but Medhavi understood. Always there like a pillar with her smile, she played the most important part in bringing Pari back on track.  Pari would always wonder that she doesn’t even know me that well, why is then she taking all the headache in listening to me.

Having sailed through that time. Now Pari knows she can bare her soul to Medhavi without any second thought.   Call it sisterly  or friendly, but there surely was something which clicked. Atleast for Pari it did. Cut to today and Medhavi is someone Pari doesn’t want to see leaving. She wants to explore with Medhavi that how far can the bond of their friendship take them in life. Completely aware of the fact that there is a lot that both of them still need to know about each other, Pari wants to enjoy this ride of exploring Medhavi and be there for her in her happy times and God forbid if any, in her sad times too. All Pari knows is, she will stand by the who stood by her always.

Yes, she was truly Pari’s accidental friend. The best part of Pari’s worst phase.<3

Some accidents aren’t that bad. 😛 :*

 

 

2016 – A fresh start

Rare are those days when we meet people who click with us. And they click in such a way that they become an integral part of our daily lives. They come and we are never the same again. Then, rare are those people who get to continue with them.  For others, it seems like we blinked and they were never to be seen again.

The impact these significant others have on our lives is gross. Gross to the extent that we don’t mind requesting them to be back, even when we know they won’t because they left out of their  choice.

The devoid is created. The damage done and we learn to stay with it. Cope with it. Pray for it, hoping to have the cherished bond back. At times, we even try to have it back.. But then..

Hi 

Hi 

Why don’t we talk anymore?

The situation wasn’t right to talk. That’s why. 

With you I lost a dear friend, and such a devoid has been created which is impossible for me to fulfill. Can we start afresh? What do you want?

I have my work, some good friends and the girl I love. That’s fine. 

Can we start afresh? Please say a yes or a no. I don’t want anything else. Don’t you say hmm 

May be in 2016? I hope that will not be a problem! I will handle myself till then. 

We stopped talking because the situation wasn’t right from your view point to talk. All I can do is try once and request people to start afresh. I am not begging you here. Please don’t make it sound like you are so sure that I’ll wait for you forever. What 2016? Do you ever give a date to someone that ok from that day I’ll talk to you. I take that as a no. Take care. Bye

Bbye. Take care.

Yup. You too. 

Questions loom large in her head. Whom to ask? Nobody around. One more time, it’s upon destiny to decide the destination.  Like always, she’ll accept it.

P.s : I  don’t know whose mistake it is. I don’t know who is right and wrong. May be nobody knows. All I know is, friendships don’t come with a date tag and a feeling of obliging the other person. Agree to the request if you whole heartedly want to. Otherwise say a respectful no. Yes, 2016 should be a fresh start.  A start to make sure that you don’t try to go back to people in whose lives you are a task to be done sometime in future.


A soulful date

Birthdays are always associated with lots of music, lots of party, lots of fun because may be for some that means lots of life.  I also believed in this “party to bnti Hai” and to some extent I still do. Yet, at times a date with your soul is all you need. Sometimes, the company of your thought is the best one.

A day before my so called party day I had the pleasure of this company. Just thoughts and me. ❤

A year can change your life. Yes, it can. Same day last year was different. People were different. Equations were different. Promises were different. I was different. All is see that happened in this one year is CHANGE, in every way possible. Yesterday, I realised that ever if you want to know that have you grown as a person, all you need to do is look back a year. You will see the difference. You will notice people who were there then to be around you no more now. You will feel you probably miss them. You will probably not. Even those who are around, are a different version altogether. Some played their cameo in your movie and left. You can’t forget them. All you can do is thank them for their role in your movie.

It’s not just about people. It’s about experience. It’s also about moments that turned to memories, to laughter, to tears, to gossips. May be birthdays are nothing but a mere reminder to evaluate where life took you in one year and you have no other choice but to thank life for it.

Take time and thank life. Because life happened and you grew up. Thank your soul because it is your only constant. Nothing else and nobody else is. Life has its own swag, you like it or not.